We All Have Bad Nights

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Hey cuties.

I hate for my second ever post to be a little negative but such is life.

The thing about having a chronic illness is there are no guaranties.

I started today with a slow wake up in bed with a very cuddly kitty cat who was purring and put her paw on my knee and was just the cutest little thing ever. That’s a great way to start the day, if you’ve never had the pleasure.

I got so much done yesterday. And I was so productive today, too. I wrote blog posts, I made a plan for a photo shoot, I sent off my first assignment to my boss, and I scheduled a job interview. I went to the chiropractor, and I went to a creative nonfiction workshop. I got so much done.

On the flip side of that, however: my shoulders hurt, and my right wrist has been giving me trouble all day. The chair at the library that I sat in for the two hour workshop was so hard, my lower back and hips were killing me by the end of the workshop. I was so exhausted and out of it afterwards, I missed my stop on the train, had to get off and take it back a stop.

And there’s not much I can do after like eight PM. I didn’t feel like cooking, and I ended up just making a parfait. Because I can’t cook all that much, and I can’t really do dishes. And I can’t keep my apartment clean because I can’t physically do the cleaning: dishes hurt my wrists, picking things up hurts my lower back, vacuuming hurts… well, everything.

In summary: today had all the makings of a good day. I had a hot chocolate, I did a ton of work, and I had an amazing experience at the writing workshop I went to. My hard work on my resume and cover letter got me a job interview. I’m doing so much right.

And yet I feel exhausted and in pain and uncomfortable, because I have fibromyalgia.

Two days ago a bottle fell off my bathtub’s edge and within minutes it bruised and swelled and it still hurts. Sitting in the same seat for two hours made my back and hips hurt so bad I’m bringing a cushion next week. I’m twenty, and this is what I’m dealing with.

So it’s 1:14 AM, I have to be out the door at 10:40 at the latest for my physical therapy appointment tomorrow, and I only just took my sleeping meds. And right now, emotionally, I’m so drained and run down. And it’s so hard to be dealing with all of this and stay positive. Because I wake up feeling positive, I wake up feeling like I can get shit done, and even if I do I still might end the day feeling the way I do now: shitty.

Because I’m a twenty year old who can’t sit in a chair for two hours without pain. Because I’m twenty years old and it hurts to put weight on my wrists, or to write for too long. Because if the angle of my elbow is too tight while I’m typing on the computer my fingers start to tingle or go numb.

 

I may have had a good day, but the night’s been rough.

But as cliche as it is, tomorrow’s a new day. Here’s hoping it’s a better one, too.

 

xx

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